The Beasts of Many Names

As I may have mentioned previously we share our house with three “creatures” that we have collected over the years.  Some would call them pets, some prefer “furry children”, but if we are going for accuracy then creatures is the way to go.  We seem incapable of procuring normal animals in terms of pets.  Not that we are keeping anything exotic in terms of animal life, as we are still talking about a couple of dogs and a cat, but they are not what most would call mainstream.  While they do bring a lot of joy to the household, they also do bring a lot of odd looks and questions when they are out in public or when they come up in conversation.  We love them, but boy are they kinda weird.

It probably doesn’t help that I rarely, or ever, actually refer to them by their given names – unless of course I am mad at them.  The animal equivalent of your mother calling you by your full name – middle name included – when she was truly angered by something you did.  Each one of them has generated a wide range of nicknames that come to me based on whatever they have gotten up to lately, or whatever reference I have come across.  In any case, today I wanted to share our three “creatures” with you and some of the various names they have earned over the years.

First up is the biggest of the bunch.  120lbs of French Mastiff, whose official name is Nala.  If you have never had a mastiff, just watch the movie Turner & Hooch and you will get a sense for what my life is like with this monster.  Thankfully, at only 120lbs she is on the small size for the breed, but it’s fair to say that a mastiff is the only dog that can make a bulldog look easy-going in the stubborn department.  She has a great disposition, and loves people for the most part, but fails to understand that she is not a 10lb lapdog, and that running up to people to play may be a little unnerving for most.  She and I have frequent arguments about whether or not she is allowed on the bed, again watch Turner & Hooch and you will get a sense of my life, and somehow the wearing of gloves (especially for yard work) is an open invitation to try and knock me over and have a wrestling match.  Thankfully she is an excellent protector when it comes to my wife and daughter and she can sound every inch of the ancestral war dog she is when it’s just them at home.  However, if I am at home it is clearly my job to protect her from anything and everything.  The running joke is that I am her emotional support human.

Some of the various names she has earned over the years:

Solomon Grunty – DC Comics reference based on how much she grunted as a puppy

Pumpkin Headed Princess

Piran-Nala – another puppy reference when she had those little needle teeth

Beast – this is the most common, just due to her overall size and exuberance

Lunkhead, Doofus, Gargantuan Melon Head – different varieties of these come up as she knocks things over around the house.

The next in line is our English Bulldog Mix that my wife rescued a couple of years ago.  She is our “small” dog clocking in at just under 60lbs.  It’s all relative in this house.  I guess having the most stubborn dog in the world wasn’t enough, that we felt we needed to support Nala with the second most stubborn dog breed in the world.  She appears to be a very loving, cute little dog who loves nothing better than to sleep in the sun and stay close to her Mommy.  Until you get out a ball, (or a broom or rake), and then she becomes a single-minded, psychopath who will destroy anything in her path in order to get the ball.  I have seen her smash full speed into the bottom of a chair when the ball rolled under it, as she clearly couldn’t do the math that her roundness was not going to fit into the same size opening the ball could.  She is also allergic to everything, including the grass in the yard.  That dog has more meds than an octogenarian and dreads going outside in the summertime.

Some of her nicknames are:

Scumdog Millionaire – a little dated, but still holds up

Meth-Gator – an odd creature from Florida that displays alarming single mindedness in all things 

Level 10 Crap Dragon – can’t beat a good D&D nerd reference

Bog Troll – let’s just say there is a lot of flatulence

Which brings us to the smallest of the bunch, but the one clearly in charge.  About a year ago we decided my daughter could get a kitten of her own.  I was thinking maybe a siamese or even just a tabby, but such was not to be.  She came home with a Sphinx Cat, which for those who don’t know, are hairless.  Of course his name is Mr. Bigglesworh (shout out to Dr. Evil), or Biggie for short and all six pounds of him terrorize and rule the dogs.  We are now used to his appearance, but it is definitely freaky and not something you see everyday.  He is a complete dick personality wise, which just means he is a cat.  He and Nala are best friends and at least once a day have an all out war where he launches a surprise attack and she just lays there and plays with him.  He has no fear, and often has half his body in her mouth as he goes in for the attack.  Somehow, while only in the house for a year I think he has collected the most nicknames.

Some of his names are:

Satan’s Cat – that’s from my team at work who remain completely freaked out by his appearance

Demon on the Shelf – he ate the “Elf on the Shelf” and took its spot

El Gato del Baldo – pretty self explanatory

Fruit Bat – get him in the right pose and trust me you will never unsee the similarities

Boiled Chicken – the comparison is apt

The Great Protector’s Small Cousin Geoffery – Shang Chi reference as he looks way too much like a small version of that dragon

Just wanted to share a taste of the chaos that fills this house, and hopefully you can relate with the furry friends that infest your own home.

The Free Range Viking

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